marriage + death = out of sorts me

So last week was a blur of activity. And with all conflicting emotions of the week my time was spent and not as well as perhaps it should have been. Since I did not get around to blogging last week. That total would have been around 10.5 hours for the week previous. For the week of Thanksgiving I honestly didn’t count. ūüė¶

Most of Monday afternoon and early evening I spent praying that my husband and mom would be able to make it home as I kept hearing reports that the bridge is closed and didn’t know when it was opening up due to the accidents caused by the sudden downfall of snow. Thankfully a friend drove me home so I didn’t have to walk and another friend stopped by to chop firewood so I could get it going with how cold it was outside. (I can start and tend one but don’t trust myself to chop wood for one….Eric told me not to!)¬† After several hours of being stuck in traffic Eric made it across the bridge and home safely to me. Tuesday was rather uneventful but spent a majority of the evening starting the baking process for Turkey Day.

Wednesday night had Levi had his first vet appt. causing more stress finding out he was going to need a dental surgery CHA CHING and then baking which alleviated little stress. Thanksgiving was a pretty typical with the family. We decided to have a 2nd Thanksgiving with some close family friends due to the fact that we will probably never be able to spend the actual day together. So we combined all the leftovers and played games and the best topper of all Thanksgiving we got to see 2 of our friends get engaged!!! Went around the table saying what we were thankful for and getting to my friend he dropped to his knee and proposed to his girlfriend! YAY! We got some great pictures as we knew it was going to happen. That moment will definitely be treasured in the memory banks of Thanksgivings.

But having such a high for Thanksgiving part 2 made Saturday that much more of a low. Eric and I joined the closest of friends and family for our dear Alexis for an ash send off. We met on what would have been her 26th birthday down at Cornet Bay. A place that she had loved dearly and was camp attendee¬†and counselor for many years and had hoped to one day get married there. Instead we gathered in the cold, watching out for goose droppings trying to get to the water. Once we arrived at the shore the friends and family were able to spread roses and rose petals into the water as her father pushed the shell urn out to sea. Music, tears and tissues were of the hour as there wasn’t a dry eye on shore. Watching the shell go out into the bay, thinking of all the times we had together it was hard knowing that it was the end.

We went home with my heart so full of conflicting emotions all I wanted to do was sleep. How can so much happiness and grief reside in one heart? I keep asking myself how do I make sense out of everything and get my jumbled heart back on its way? What am I doing with life? Have I grown in this past year as a Christian, as a woman, a friend, a wife??? Am I living as fully as my friend Alexis always seemed to, always in the moment? I know that my part of my purpose is taking care of husband and our 4 legged kids but what else?? My friend who got engaged on Friday night reminded me of what we had always dreamed of going to school and doing together. He is in school now to go on to forensic pathology and asking me if I’ll be going back to school for it. My answers sounded so pathetic to myself. We have a home now, school can’t be a priority, it costs money, takes to much time, I’d go back to school for something different… BLAH BLAH BLAH… While I love that I have a job, love the benefits, my supervisor and 99 % of the people I work with I do not think that answering people’s questions about garbage is my calling.

I know that there has to be more. Yet in praying that I wonder what it is that God would lead or reveal to me next? It makes me nervous to pray it and yet I want out of this hole of a jumbled, overly emotive heart. Striving with purpose is where I want to be and yet hiding under the blankets next to the fire is all I want to do. (I think part of that is feeling like a cold is coming on!) This coming weeks time I want to spend in more prayer seeking what God would have next for me individually and as part of a family unit. As well as make time to be with friends and family and all the people who matter most to me.

Life is to short to go to bed mad or not say I love you.

How was your Thanksgiving? Any adventures or stories that will be added to the favorites of Thanksgiving album?

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2 responses »

  1. Marriage and death are such milestones in our lives, and to experience two such big milestones back to back is a lot for your emotions to process. And during the holidays no less, which come with their own special form of stress, it’s no wonder you want to hide under the covers by the fire. Nothing has to be decided today, or even this week. Let yourself relax through December and just be. Don’t search for answers, but let yourself receive them as they present themselves. Focus on your joy, and everything else will sort itself out. It’s easy, when we reach one goal, to immediately reach for the next goal. Maybe, just for a short time, just be where you are. Look out over that vista and see what there is to see before looking up to the next climb.

  2. I had a similar high/low experience last year when I had the opportunity to travel to New York and see relatives for the first time in nearly 10 years. Unfortunately the occasion was my grandpa’s memorial service and spreading his ashes at sea.

    Keep asking the tough questions. I highly recommend Donald Miller’s book “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” if you haven’t read it already. All about living a life story worth telling.

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